Every Day I'm Fumblin'

so it's been a few days, but I'm still kickin.

I've been doing some design work for a friend of mine -- I'll post a few of the designs for ya (who ever you may be).

at any rate, on with the rambling!

I can't seem to stop fucking things up.

It's like I'm constantly destined to be a screw-up.

I'm not sure if it's just geneticly imprinted, or what, but I am one that is a magnent for weird people and chaos... you may call me the italian version of Loki - lol.

I don't even know what to do with myself lately... Yeah, I've been picking up odd jobs doing freelance graphics design and of course the gads and gads of baking... but that's all just time fillers.

what am I biding my time until? I have no REAL plans for the future, I'm too afraid to SPEAK to my families - much less reconsile... it's like I'm in a perpetual shit machine.

opinions?

I know that we all at some point or another in our "adult lives" come to some point of crises, but for fuck's sake, I'm only 22!! I can't be having a "mid-twenties crisis"!

So, as a result of impending boredom, as I have finnished the concept art and finalized a design for my friend, my ass is getting back in the kitchen. Puppy chow and 2 pumpkin pies are on the slate to be dominated!!

I'll post some recipes up here if I think they're good enough. My homemade chocolate buttercream frosting is pretty much to die for (no pun intended for diabetics because it more than likely would kill you. lol)

alright... I'm off to find some other way to waste time until 10am when I have to run mr. roomie to his interview... maybe I'll knock out that puppychow. can't be too hard with only 5 - 6 ingrediants, right?

Hello, pot? It's kettle. You're black.

So yesterday I spent a little time talking with my fiance about some feelings I've been having regarding my families and I gotta tell you - I haven't cried that hard in a long ass time! I'm not saying that talking about it magically fixed the hurts and restentment I hold toward my parents, but it did help just to get it off my chest.

I started thinking about the sources of the various negative feelings I have toward them - you know, where it all started. I pin-pointed a few of them and I have to say a lot of it stems from unkept promises and bigotry.

Of all my pet peevs I have, disrespect is a big one. And to me, not keeping promises or saying one thing and doing another fall into that category. Nothing pisses me off more.

A lot of times, throughout my life, there has been a shit ton of finger pointing and blame laying on both sides of every argument. Including, but not limited to pointing out a fault or failure in someone else that directly reflects a failure or fault in the person pointing the finger.

Hello pot, it's kettle. I was just calling to tell you you're black.

I'm most definately not immune to having done that. It's like trying to point out similarities in an effort to "level the playing field" during an argument. As a young teen, I was particularly vicious with that and still am sometimes.

It just really burns my biscuits when one side just wants to discuss the issue calmly and the other side escalates things.

At any rate, my point was supposed to be "don't be so quick to point a finger at someone when you've done the same fucking thing". And talking things out helps but won't fix shit magically.

I completely lost my train of thought.

Fuck it.

Time and Wasted Bullets

A child should never fear their parents. I, however, am just plain terrified of my biological father. Well, mostly his wife, but I still fear speaking to him.

A lot of shit happened in the short time I knew my father.
I met him shortly after I turned 20 and having not known his last name.
I was at home with my adoptive parents when I still lived with them, digging through a drawer trying to find something when I came across some old papers from my adoption. I poured over those papers like my life depended on it, devouring every bit of information.
I made a call to my biological mom, asked a few questions, posted an ad on craigslist and about 2 weeks later, he was standing in my driveway.

A few months later, shit hit the fan. Hateful, hurtful words were exchanged and that was it. Hasn't talked to me since. His wife has though. More hurtful words, threats and a massive fuck off.

Doesn't stop me from missing him though. However, I'm still scared to talk to him.

Parents, never make your child fear you or allow your spouse to make them fear you. It ruins trust and any relationship building for the future. Don't push away your children as they get older. Be respectfully involved in their adult lives. Always listen objectively, love unconditionally and advise wisely. Trust me - as someone's kid who's lived through the opposite, your kids will thank you for it one day.

Big Band Swing & Frank Sinatra

I'm adopted. I've always known - since I was a little kid. It really spawned a lot of abandonment issues for me as a young kid all the way through my adult life... Shoulda, coulda, woulda says: If it would have been my choice, I, as a parent adopting a child, would maybe have done it differently.
But, when I think about it, I'm not sure how I would go about that. I, for one, would prefer that (in an open adoption setting) the mother be involved in the childs life.

As I discussed previously, my fiance and I are dealing with infertility. Because of this, we have looked at a variety of options from InVitro Fertilization, sperm donors, surrogacy and adoption. As a couple, we really had to sit down and discuss our options and the "what if's" and other questiobs that come before having fertility testing done.

What if it's me that's "broken"? What if it's him? What if fertility treatments turn out to not be an option? How are we going to look at treatment options; affordability or just try anything regardless of cost? What if it just isn't going to happen for us?

Let me tell you, all this shit is upsetting to us both. I mean, for fuck's sake, we can't even afford a 'traditional' wedding, nor will any financial institution loan to us!

It's usually at this point I flip on my music. Lately it has been the new Casting Crowns CD - Come To The Well (it's amazing! Go buy it!). But it used to be and from time to time still is big band swing or Frank Sinatra style music like Micheal Buble (love him!).
All my life music has played an important role. More so because my eldest brother is now a highschool band director (and a damn good one!). But turns out that as an infant, before being adopted, my mother used to play Sinatra for me because it was the only thing to soothe my cholicy ass. Which explains a lot about my love for music as an adult. :)

If you or someone you know is struggling, nothing can change a mood faster than music. I don't know ONE person that can keep a straight face while listening to Hansen's "mmm bop".

Cheer up today. Pop in that old CD or tape from highschool and rock out to songs that now make you dance like nobody's watching.

Do it.

I dare you!

Infertility Blows.

Words can't describe it really. Just saying "infertility blows" really doesn't encompass the emotional rollercoaster it is.

As a woman, I have reached the point in my life where I have (for once in my life) actually sort of followed protocol. Aside from the whole graduate highschool thing, I waited until later in my adult life to start trying (adult life begining at 18).
I'm 22, engaged, have a somewhat stable household income, have matured (kind of), and have made the decision with my partner that we, as individuals and as a couple, are ready/want children.

For the past 2 years I've watched friends, family and old highschool classmates pop out children. Some at what I consider a rediculously young age or under what I personally consider to be inauspicious circumstances. All the while, struggling to muster up enough piss and fighting the wrapper of the next foreboding pregnancy test.

In my mind, it really is one big, fat, sorrofully jelous "WHAT THE FUCK!!"

I can't begin to estimate how much time, money, effort, planning and prayer I have put into trying to get fucking knocked up! It's terribly upsetting! I mean, here I am, trying with all I've got to get pregnant and these other girls are all a bunch of flippin' fertile myrtles!

It's an ongoing process... A tiring, emotionally draining kind of 'fuck my life' process. But, if you're in the same boat, don't give up. Try all the avenues - fertility testing being a BIG one. Kinda helps to have a map instead of just a compass ;)

Breathe deep. Keep trying. After all... Trying is the fun part.. Right?

Pictures courtesy of a friend - Eathyn 4mos.

Full Disclosure

4 hours of sleep, and here I am - on the couch with a sore back, but dammit if I didn't get the venison and veggies into the crock pot first!

So I'm watching some daytime T.V. and I gotta tell ya... If you've ever seen the show The Doctors... That man in blue scrubs... YUM! Lol  I could say the same for the show The Chew. They're trying to tell me it is not possible to be physically addicted to chocolate. I calll bullshit and now I want some damn chocolate!

I'm an obese american dammit! I love my curves and I love food. Not my fault my matabolism hates me! I'm tired of being called fat. I dont look at myself as fat. Honestly, I feel just as thin as the next girl - until I go clothes shopping or look in the mirror. I don't like being told by society that because I'm fat, I obviously have to be hideous, good at sucking dick (because us fat chicks are ALWAYS hungry), and constantly have a big mac in my hand.
I'm going to dish some honesty here, because if there is anything I believe in, it's brutally uncensored honesty.

I LOVE BEING "FAT"!

I know there's always an internet troll out there and I am fully prepared for the usual onslaught of insults, but I love Love LOVE being the way I am! I'm big - I'm beautiful - I love my body and so does my fiance! I get told I'm "unhealthy" and yes, there are health risks to being a big girl. But to me, it's worth being unique. Skinny bitches are a dime-a-dozen. If I wanted a size 0, I'd go get a damn stick off the tree in my front yard. My body is mine. I am an individual! Ladies! Embrace your curves! Love those hips and thighs! God meant for our bodies to change as we grow, not to look like a 12 year old boy our whole lives!
And on the reverse; if you're naturally thin, love that body! Love the sink you're in ladies and gentlemen. Its all you got.

Quit trying to be a barbie,or a ken. Stop buying into the lie that who you are isn't good enough. Stop injecting and surgically altering. Plastc is for tupperware and tampon applicators.

Live loud, love hard and for fuck's sake! EAT WELL! :)

The Diary Of An Insomniac

My fiance's mom once said, "The past is the past. It's best left behind us."
Well, I don't entirely agree with that. I do agree with it in the sense of past hurts. There really is no use in re-living them daily, only to constantly remind us of past failures and what not. But I most certainly do NOT condone forgetting what helped shape you into the beautiful (or handsome) and unique person you are today.
My past (and it's a doozy!) is a combination of what I do and do not agree with about her statement. I would rather forget some of the things I have done or been through - as I'm sure most of us do; but I don't want to forget the struggles, hardships and victorious failures that have shaped my character.

At any rate, I am unusually awake at odd hours, so I thought I would make use of my time (or at least occupy some of it) by writing. My name is unimportant. My occupation? None to speak of. My life is rather dull from day to day and I'm not unlike "the majority" of Americans - I'm loud and obese, my significant other is WAY too good for me, and I spend WAY to much money one frivoless crap that I hope will fill the never ending void that is what used to be my heart.

   I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm hurting.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to tell you about it. It's a loud, obnoxious combination of sweetness, love, cunning, manipulativeness, giving, family oriented and honestly is a confidently uncensored mess.

*Welcome to my blog.*